Runnin' in the Rain

Bili Update

I took Evan to the County Hospital lab on Saturday morning for labwork to check his bilirubin levels. The poor lab tech cringed when I came walking in with such a little one. He said he hated sticking the little guys. Evan did great and bled like a champ (heal stick) and the tech said he'd stick him any day over most of the babies he has to run labs on. He was a really nice guy and gave me some good advice.

The point...

Evan had a couple of really big poops the night prior to this and between those and the bili lights his level dropped significantly. The pediatrician called late in the afternoon and said we could take him out of the lights. He didn't need them anymore as long as he continued to eat well and have regular bowel movements.

He has been doing quite well since.

My Sentiments Exactly

Functioning

Whew! 2 kids is definitely different than just 1. Today was the first day I've had both the boys all day long all by myself. It wasn't in the original "plans" but plans seem to change quickly. We've been staying with my mom this week which has been a huge blessing. She can help with Ryan and, as a bonus, she gets to be with her newest grandbaby. Today's original plan of staying with Nana changed as a result of yesterday.

Yesterday Evan had his first check-up with the pediatrician, Dr. O. Dr. O and I go back to the days of Brandy, but because of insurance issues we went without her during Ryan's infancy. However, recently we switched doctors and now we are blessed she is taking care of both of the boys. She was so excited about Evan! She did all the regular checks and said he is a healthy and strong little boy. All things are where they should be, working like they're supposed to, and everything checks out just fine. The only *issue* that, unfortunately, reared its ugly head was jaundice. We started noticing a hint of yellow while we were in the hospital awaiting discharge. At that time Dr. K (the pediatrician caring for Evan while at the hospital) checked his bilirubin level and found it to be a tad bit elevated. Dr. O checked it yesterday and called us with the results last night. It was too high and phototherapy would be needed for a few days.

Basically here's the scoop...bilirubin is the result of the normal breakdown of red blood cells. The liver processes it and it's all excreted in poop. Evan hasn't been pooping quite as regularly as needed to excrete all the bilirubin. This has been because for the first 3 or 4 days of his life his nutritional intake was minimal since my milk didn't come in until day 4. This is, again, another normal thing although it doesn't make me feel any better about the whole situation. Everything is now working on my end of the deal and he is getting plenty of good nutrition. Now it's just a matter of him pooping more, so pray for poop! He should start pooping VERY regularly before too long. (You know what I'm talking about if you've ever had a breastfed baby.)

Me

I'm doing well. For having just had a c-section I'm feeling great and have had minimal pain. I'm still taking a maintenance dose of pain meds and anti-inflammatories to keep from having pain and I'll keep up that routine at least until the end of the weekend. Like I said, my milk just came in. Thankfully once it came...it came! I really have no worries at this point that Evan isn't getting enough. Hormones are changing and I've gone from weepy and crying at silly little things to biting your head off in an instant. Most of the tears have been related to worries about breastfeeding issues (something very new to me) and feeling overwhelmed with everything. As far as the other...those feelings are mostly related to frustrations that things aren't going quite like I want them to go. I'm up and around more, but I'm taking it slow. My feet still look like elephant feet and the fluid built up in my ears is driving me crazy (everything sounds odd and simple sounds like fans running or music playing are nothing but roaring). I'll be glad when my body decides to get rid of all this excess fluid.Home-coming day.

Ryan
Ryan is doing well. Some days he's great and others are a different story. He has been very clingy to me and has shown great concern that I'm leaving again to go to the hospital. I told him the other day that we wouldn't go back to the hospital except to visit our friends. He reminds me of that often. He has been pushing buttons and stretching the limits like crazy. It's so overwhelming at times. My mom reassured me that he was just testing me to see if I still have *enough* for him...enough time, enough love, enough attention. He's also testing to see if I can hold it all together and maintain my status as mom, caregiver, fixer, cartoon-watcher, and boundary-setter. I'll be glad when all of his tests are over. I hope I pass. I don't even want to know the consequences of a failing grade on any of his tests. Ryan loves his little brother and wants to be near him often. He thinks it's hilarious when Evan cries and he has recently started to *compete* with the noises Evan makes. Today when Evan was crying Ryan tried to soothe him by sharing one of his toys. It was pretty sweet.

Evan
Evan is doing well. I'll be glad when the jaundice is gone so we can get back to normal. Our normal includes a lot of snuggle time and even a few hours of midnight kangarooing. He has been eating every hour or 2 around the clock sometimes giving me a 3 or 4 hour stretch. Thankfully at the end of my pregnancy I was so uncomfortable because of the bedrest I wasn't sleeping well at all and was up at least once an hour so Evan's needy schedule hasn't been that difficult for me. I admit I'm tired and I have trouble staying awake during some of our midnight feedings, but it could be worse. He has been breastfeeding well although he decided to abandon one side for a day or two. Thankfully through pumping and diligently working with him my supply on that side has increased and he has started latching on to the left side once again. He won't ever start on that side though. No one warned me just how painful breastfeeding can be but I think we're just about over that hump...at least I hope so. At his doctor's appointment yesterday he weighed 6 pounds which the doctor said is normal. She wants him back up to his birthweight by next Thursday. If he keeps eating well he shouldn't have a problem with that. He's in the 10% for weight, 5% for height and 25% for head circumference.


Now just for laughs...because I know you will...here is my story of comic relief (although it wasn't very funny at the time).
The doctor's office called this morning around 0830 saying that all the paperwork had been faxed and we should be contacted by the home-health company soon and the bili lights would be delivered this morning. We waited and waited and waited. Finally at 11:00 the tech called and said he was on his way with the equipment. Okay! Ryan, Evan and I went outside on the front porch to wait for the guy. We played and played and played. Still...no guy. At 12:30 I decided it was time to go inside and get some lunch and start thinking about nap time. Ryan wanted a peanut-butter-jelly sandwich. I decided to let him make it (that's something he and I do as a treat). I set him up with a piece of bread and the half-empty jar of peanut butter and the jar of jelly with 2 or 3 spoonfuls of jelly left at the bottom and he proceeded to make his sandwich. He's done it several times and actually does a pretty good job. Well...Evan started crying and wanted to eat too, so I thought it a good idea to feed him too especially since some stranger was coming to the house and I sure didn't want to be a bit exposed in front of him. Since I'm new to this breastfeeding thing and all I haven't mastered the art of walking around while Evan eats nor am I very good at keeping a blanket over the whole ordeal either. It's not like I really need one around the house anyway. I took Evan into the living room and began feeding him, asking Ryan from time to time how he was doing and if he needed help and how was his sandwich, etc., etc., etc. After a few minutes of ominous silence I decided to check on one and burp the other. What I found on the other side of the fireplace was quite a shock.
Peanut butter was everywhere. He was painting with it! In his hair. On his face. Covering each leg. Dripping from each arm. So now I'm thinking, "what do I do?" This was funny. This was creative (something I love). This was challenging. This was very messy. This was my fault and I most definitely couldn't be mad.

So what did I do...I answered the phone. It was the home-health company saying they thought they were here and sure enough their medically decal-ed van was sitting out front. Oh dear. I escorted the man in with all his equipment explaining I was a little frazzled and after seeing Ryan he laughed and understood. I threatened Ryan to stay in his chair at the island. He thought it was funny to try to get down but he actually stayed while I commenced with the paperwork and receiving of instructions for Evan's new home. The man left. Evan, now screaming, was reminding me he hadn't finished his meal. I called Daddy begging for help. He was too busy. I escorted Ryan to the bathroom. Stripped him. Ran water in the tub. Added some bubbles. And let him splash around. Evan and I sat on the stool finishing up his meal watching the splashing take place for awhile until it was obvious a little assistance was needed, so I took my free hand and wiped off Ryan's peanut-butter painted body. Bath time ended after a cup of water was thrown onto the floor. I clothed my toddler. Burped my baby. And...Nap time!!! Ahhh...

Evan Alexander Stanfill

Evan Alexander Stanfill made his grand entrance into this world yesterday morning!

June 26, 2010
7 pounds 0 ounces
20 inches long
Born at 8:47 a.m.

Wade and I checked into the hospital at about 6:30. After all the paperwork, admittance procedures, and surgery prep work I was wheeled back to the OR at 8:30 a.m. and was soon joined by my husband. At 8:47 a.m. our little boy was out and within seconds he was screaming and crying! It was wonderful! He did great!

Lots of Lasts

Lots of lasts are heading my way...all in one day.

Tomorrow...

June 25, 2010...

is the last day...

for this pregnancy.
It's the last day I'll ever be pregnant.
The last day to be big and round.
The last day to ever experience rib crushing and bladder boxing.
The last day to ever feel a baby move inside me.
The last day to anxiously anticipate the birth of a child...my child.
The last day to feel my baby with hiccups.
The last day knowing that I'm intimately involved with the miracle of life growing inside of me.
The last day I'll ever be pregnant.

The last day to worry about a pregnancy.
The last day to waddle.
The last day to experience pregnancy heartburn.
The last day for swelling feet related to pregnancy.
The last day for all the pregnancy discomforts.
The last day to worry about my unborn child.

The last day we'll be a family of 3.
The last day I'll be a mother parenting an only child.
The last day for Ryan to be "the baby".
The last day we'll be a family of 3.

The last day of this very long journey...
but...
the start of very exciting new one!

Eviction Plans

The eviction papers have been served...

Barring the unexpected...

My c-section is scheduled for next Saturday, 6/26, at 8:30 a.m. at Mercy Hospital.

Feeding Chickens

PB & J

Ryan LOVES peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and after waking up on the wrong side of the bed after a nap the other day we decided to have a little snack.

...And because I am just "like that" I decided to let Ryan have a little extra fun during snack time and hopefully learn a little bit too.
I don't know how much learned but I do know that he absolutely enjoyed it! He keeps asking to make peanut butter jelly sandwiches again. Oh fun times! Fun times!

Post-Bedrest Day 3

Being off bedrest is great!!! Awww...freedom.

Saturday was my first day off bedrest. I woke up excited. Almost like that excitement you get the night before Christmas...you can't sleep because you know something big is about to happen in the morning. Silly...I know.

I started off the morning feeling pretty good and Ryan and I loaded up in the car and drove to town to see Daddy at his work. After that we went to the post office. When it came time to go to the bank I gave Ryan the choice of driving through the drive-thru or going inside. His drive-thru choice was very much welcomed. The extra activity, albeit quite minimal was already enough to wear out this over-sized, under-exercised Momma. I called a friend and she invited us to join her for a cup of coffee, so Ryan and I went to Jackie's house and I sipped on a little bit of coffee and visited while Ryan ran around with the kids and puppies. It was wonderful. We went home just before noon and met my mom and Donnie for the delivery of our new recliner/rocker. We ate a small lunch as soon as Daddy arrived. The afternoon was filled with naps and a whole lot of aches and pains. Ugh! I'm such a go-getter/doer kind of person that just sitting around is awfully difficult for me for very long when I actually have the freedom to be up and moving. My mind said "do", but my body said "absolutely not!"

After spending the afternoon resting we decided to go out for a celebratory dinner in Guthrie...Chinese buffet! We made a quick Wal-Mart run afterward but I rode in the wheelchair. Day 1 ended and I went to bed with contractions 10 minutes apart. They settled down as soon as I dozed off.

Day 2...
I really figured that Sunday morning I'd wake up feeling beaten and bruised. Quite to my surprise I woke up feeling quite well and the aches and soreness had gone away. I spent the day sorting through clothes, packing the hospital bags, installing Evan's carseat, sorting through a few paper-stacks, and, of course, playing with Ryan.
It was a good day. A little more low-key than the previous, but productive and enjoyable. Day 2 ended with contractions 10 minutes apart some of which were quite uncomfortable. Once again they were relieved with the onset of sleep however I was awoken by several throughout the night.

Day 3...
Today I woke up with even more energy and more strength. It's all coming back! WooHoo! Despite the fact that I'm ready to have our little Evan here with us I'm grateful for this time I'm getting. Time to spend with Ryan. Time to build up a little strength. Today was the first day that I was once again solely responsible for Ryan. I was a little nervous...to be honest. Our day started with plans to spend some time at Nana's in the morning and come home for afternoon nap, but the rain changed our plans. Toad-strangling rains flooded (literally) OKC and some of the surrounding areas. We weren't hit too hard, but Daddy had to take the car to work which left us without for a few hours until the rains passed and Nana could come get us. We spent a couple hours at Nana's this morning and kept the plan to return home for an afternoon nap. I spent much of the afternoon working on stuff for work...ironing out what has brought about an early start and extended maternity leave (more on that story later). Besides work stuff and taking care of Ryan today I did some dishes and worked on cleaning the kitchen, did a load of laundry, played outside with Ryan, and gave Ryan part of his bath (I relinquished that task back to Daddy after discovering I can't reach around my own belly while sitting on the side of the tub and wash a squirmy kid.) Tonight I'm going to bed very grateful that today wasn't "the day" because the flooding has blocked all routes to the hospital. And although I'd like to think I'm strong...I'm not ready to birth this kid at home! Ummm...can we say epidural please?! I'm also going to bed without regular contractions.

Good Night All!

Third Time's A Charm

You know...since third time's a charm...
It seemed like a good idea to start getting things ready for the baby...before he is born! And that, my friends, is pretty noteworthy. Afterall this is my first time, out of 3, to actually do this. :)

Carseat cleaned...check!
Carseat checked by "quality control" (aka Ryan)...check!
Going home outfit washed...check!
Baby bag packed...check!

Now when I get a little energy I guess I'll get things ready for the rest of us.

Last Day!

After 155 days of bedrest, 60 in the hospital, tomorrow is my LAST day! I had an OB appt. last Friday and he asked me if I was regaining some strength and if I'd done anything fun yet. It took me by surprise because I was under the assumption that I was to remain on strict bedrest until 36 weeks. The way he talked led me to believe that he wasn't expecting that after I left the hospital. He even said that he thought if something were to happen it would have happened already. Since that conversation I've been taking it pretty easy, but the last few days I've been getting up more and doing a few more things. Part of it has been out of necessity. My mom and Ryan (mom has been taking care of Ryan for the last 5 months) have both reached their limit of my bedrest sentence. She is worn out and is in desperate need of being re-titled back to grandma. He has started bucking her authority and pushing every limit possible. Thankfully they both held out until just the last couple of days.

So anyway...tomorrow is it! The last day of terb. The last day of Procardia. The last day of all these measures we've been taking to stay pregnant. I never dreamed I'd see this day and still be pregnant. It's an amazing feeling and I know holding my healthy little baby in a week or two will make it all worth it! I'm a little nervous though...I have no idea what to expect. I've never been anywhere other than a hospital when labor started, so this is a brand new experience for me...having bags packed and ready to go for when "it's time".

Slip-N-Slide

Monday Fun-day

Let's have a little fun!!! A little competitive fun!

1. When do you think Evan will be born (date)?
2. How much do you think he will weigh (lbs & ozs)?
3. How long will he be (inches)?

Meatballs and More

Ryan has gained an affinity to "meatballs". He loves pasta and meatballs. It all started with a can of Ravioli's and Meatballs. He even pretends to cook meatballs by sticking cans of *The Chef* in the toaster oven. "I cookin' meatballs!"

Today Daddy cooked some spaghetti. Much to Ryan's disappointment the meatballs were nowhere in site...non-existent. Pasta just isn't right without meatballs!

(and as a side note...completely off topic...both my boys got a haircut yesterday!)

And...here's some proof I'm still pregnant...

35 weeks! 5 days left of bedrest!

We're getting so close. We just need to make it through this next week. Saturday I'm free! Oh. I'm so glad. I'm so ready. I'm a little nervous too. It almost seems foreign to think about one day taking all the extra precautions...meds, bedrest, etc...and waking up the next without any of those. These last few days I've been working on lists. (I'm a list maker.) Lists of things I'd like to get before baby arrives. Lists of things I'd like to do after I've completed my bedrest sentence. Lists of things to pack in our hospital bag. Lists of food and supplies. Lists. Lists. Lists. It's highly unlikely that all of the things will be marked off each list before our little Evan arrives, but for now it's something to do and think about. Next Saturday morning the first thing I intend to do is to pack our hospital bags. Sounds like a good idea don't you think?!

OB Appointment

I had an OB appointment today...the first one since I've been home from the hospital. We left around 10 this morning for a 11:15 appointment. Despite our early arrival it was close to noon before we were called out of the waiting room. Ugh! I forgot what it can sometimes be like going to the doctor and waiting...and waiting...and waiting. With a getting-more-tired-by-the-minute 3-year-old.

The appointment was short and sweet...weight check, urine analysis, blood pressure check, belly measurement, fetal heart tones, and any q&a's. Everything checked out just fine. Baby's heart rate in the 140's (Ryan said he sounded like a puppy panting), belly measurement normal, blood pressure 108/62, urine ok, weight...yeah right like I'm going to disclose that. I can say that I've only gained 17 pounds for this pregnancy which is pretty amazing considering I've been bedrest for almost 6 months.

As for Q&A's:

The cerclage removal decision has been left to my wishes. He seems to want to leave it in until I deliver but is willing to remove it at 37 weeks. He indicated that I could make the final call. I'll have to think about it.

I guess that was the big question today because I can't think of anything else we discussed.

It was a bit of an odd appointment in some ways. He asked me if I'd done anything fun yet and if I'd gained any strength back. Both of these would take more activity than strict bedrest would allow, so I got the impression that laying flat on my back for the biggest part of the day wasn't exactly what was expected of me upon hospital discharge. Oh well...it surely didn't hurt anything. However with that in mind I *don't* plan to spend the next week laying flat but I definitely don't plan to do too much. I'll probably spend these last 7 days of bedrest reclined in the recliner or by the little swimming pool enjoying my family. If I'm already up I'll probably fill my own water cup but I'll continue to accept/request for most things to be brought to me so I'm not on my feet too much. I'd feel so guilty if I cheated this last week of bedrest and something happened.

It's so exciting to think of only having 7 days left of bedrest. After these last 7 days...all bets are off...I'm up! Of course in my mind I have fantastic ideas of all the things I want to do, but in reality I'll be limited by lack of energy and strength. Just the short walk from the car to the doctor's office and back followed by the short walk from the parking lot to and from the Target was enough to make my body feel like I'd been beaten up and run over...super sore and super tired. Oh yeah...I asked the doc if he thought it'd be okay to go shopping a little as long as I stayed in a wheelchair and he was strongly supportive of the idea...giving me the okay, so we went to Target and got a few things...baby stuff mostly. :)

So that was our day.

I know I promised some pictures, but I just haven't been taking any lately. That will soon change. I was planning on having Wade take a picture of me for the post because, for the first time in months, I was all dressed up...hair fixed, makeup on and feeling beautiful. Unfortunately that idea was quickly washed away with a little help from the water hose and a very ornery little boy named Ryan who thinks it's hilarious to spray his Momma with the water hose. I got drenched, my nice clothes soaked and my nice straight hair turned into one big ball of frizz. Fun times! Fun times!

Things I've Heard Today

"I'm cookin' meatballs. They be hot."

"I want groda bars."

"I want peanut butter jelly sanwich."

"Owww! I got an owie."

"I hurt my owie."

"Oh look Ryan got an owie. I think so."

"Daddy! Daddy! I need to find a place to park."

"Sometime Baby Elmo come out of Momma's tummy."

"Baby Elmo stuck in Momma's tummy."

"Oh no! My nose tickles."

Home, Nest, Abode, Castle, Residence

It's so good to be home! I sure did miss my home.

Things have been going well upon my return. The first night was rough. I couldn't sleep, couldn't get comfortable. My mind wouldn't settle and I had more contractions than normal to top it all off. Thankfully it was only that first night that was a bit alarming. Since then I've adjusted peacefully into my new surroundings.

Ryan is loving my return home. Initially he wanted me to be up and around and I guess back to "normal" but after explanations that I must remain in bed for a few more weeks he has once again accepted my altered-mommy role. For most of this week he has been very possessive of my time. He wanted to be the one and only one for which I'd give my time and attention. Possessive...but he's earned every right to be. He's doing better but he doesn't want to be very far from me. Thankfully he's calming down a little and we are able to play together on the bed. One of the greatest things for me through this new adjustment has been all the cuddles. He's not typically a super-cuddly kid, but this week he's relinquished some of the wild and crazies for some mighty awesome cuddles. I love, love, love it!

We've had some pretty funny moments with Ryan this past week. Through mid-week every time it was time to go home (Ryan and I go to my mom's house each morning and return home each evening with Daddy) Ryan would wave and tell me good-bye. When we would tell him I was going home with him his eyes would light up and his smile would grow wider in excitement. "OKAY!" he would exclaim. Each day was new and exciting to have momma come home again. On Thursday evening as we were driving home Ryan suddenly stopped with his normal story-telling in the backseat and said, "Can we please take momma back to the hospital so I can go up the stairs and down the stairs and get some worms?" (gummy worms from the vending machines on the 6th floor).

We're gradually trying to help Ryan understand that for now Momma will be staying home with him, and when it's time for Baby Evan to come that we will go back to the hospital and Momma and Daddy will have to stay for a few nights. It will be a short stay and Ryan can come see us everyday. I don't know how much he's understanding but hopefully it's enough that our return to the hospital won't be a total shock to him.

Speaking of hospital...I can't believe we're getting so close to a safe delivery of this precious little boy. 34 weeks today!!! I only have 2 more weeks of bedrest. On June 12th all the restrictions will be gone and the medications will be no more. I'll be a "normal" (although weak and sore) pregnant mommy! I'm so excited...and a little anxious too. I know how long 2 weeks can feel but I also know how fast it passes once you reach the end. After 2 weeks we can have this baby anytime! Our c-section is scheduled for July 2nd. I don't know that anyone is really expecting me to make it all the way to the 2nd, but then again my body could suddenly decide that being pregnant isn't so bad (and that would be just about fitting for the way things go).

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Since I'm now 34 weeks pregnant I suppose it's a good time to give an update...

Evan is probably weighing between 4-5 pounds. It's really hard to say how big he is since our last ultrasound at 32 weeks only had him measuring 3.5 pounds which was a bit smaller than I expected.

He is moving around great. It's an adjustment to go from being monitored 2 times a day to having no monitoring, so all I can rely on now is how well he's moving and how I'm feeling. All is well!

I'm feeling well. I'm not having many contractions throughout the days and nights with the exception of right around the day of my P17 injection. I'm now self-injecting those. I figured with only 3 injections remaining there was no since in trying to schedule someone to come give those each week. I know it's silly, but I felt like I'd accomplished something pretty amazing after that first shot this past Tuesday!

I guess I should be a little more honest. Feeling well is more of a generalized statement. Pregnancy related...yes I'm feeling well. However...(and here's my gripe so skip the rest of the paragraph if you're not in the mood)...my back hurts, I'm so sore I can barely walk (from all the bedrest and loss of muscle tone), my bladder is full all the time (reminiscent of those first few weeks of pregnancy), I'm not sleeping well because it's so hard to get comfortable and stay that way for very long (thankfully I have 3 different beds to choose from and I rotate between all 3 each night), the heartburn is a killer, my appetite is mostly non-existent because there's not much room left and...the heartburn is a killer, I'm so, so, so ready to be able to sit up more than lay down (which is probably ok by the doctor but I don't want to take any chances yet). On the bright side...most of these are just common pregnancy relate issues and that's awesome!!!

I came home with these medications: Procardia 1/day to keep my uterus calm, Terbutaline as needed to combat contractions if they occur, Magnesium Oxide and Potassium supplements each night to help relax my uterus. Prenatal vitamin each day. Levothyroxin each day for my thyroid (something I'll be taking from now on.

So for now we just hope and pray for another uneventful two weeks. Ohhh how it delights my heart to think of taking this baby home with us and skipping the NICU altogether.

I'll try to get some new pictures up soon.

Going Home!

Yep!!!

I'm going home today!!!

Things of Beauty

Ryan recently brought to my attention the importance of beauty. Strange you say? Actually not so much, but it involved hair and a plastic cup lid. I'll explain the story in a minute, but in the meantime his *interest* or maybe *obsession* with beauty led me to do some thinking...and considering. About boys. And how they think. And I guess since I'm going to be the mom of 2 boys that's not a bad thing for me to think about.

I grew up in a female-dominated home, but femininity was often replaced by tom-boyishness. (Yes I know that's probably not a real word.) Not that that is an entirely bad thing. It has done a lot in the shaping of who I am, but I'm not so sure if it hasn't overshadowed the importance of beauty a little too much.

Beauty is important. Inward and outward beauty. The world is filled with things beautiful. Flowers, waterfalls, warm summer days, people, love. Creation is beautiful. God's love is beautiful. The story of redemption although dramatic and war-like is also one of beauty. God calls his church (those that love and believe in His name) his bride. Brides are beautiful. Broken sometimes but beautiful. The Bible has many references to beauty. My goodness...just read the book Song of Solomon. It is filled with passion and beauty. Which leads me back to...

The male mind and the importance of beauty. (Leaving the passion out of the equation for a minute). I recently read Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity. It was great and I recommend it to every woman even if she doesn't think she struggles with insecurity. Now I'm attempting to read Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge. It's another very good book but I'm having trouble concentrating these days and I'm struggling with some of the issues at hand. Another book by John Eldredge is Wild At Heart. I read it a few years ago. In his book, John discusses the innate, God-given dream that every little boy has...to be a hero, to conquer, to accept the challenge set before him and set forth on this adventure with his bride (his beautiful bride) right by his side. The sad fact however, is that too many men have this dream stifled, beaten out of them. Whether through their own dads, their family, their friends, a lifetime of failures, or just life itself...with all it's disappointments.

I agree with John Eldredge in this. I grew up with a brother and from a very young age his dreams always went something like this..."I want... 'to be a fireman/policeman/soldier' and 'get married to a beautiful girl' and 'have a family' and 'we can do this...and that' and 'I will be big and strong and...'" You get my point. Thankfully he has, for the most part, been able to hold on to that dream and he continuously strives to be the hero of his family.

I'm just starting to see some of these same dreams pop up in my little boy now. It's exciting. It's scary. He's only 3! Things like being STRONG when a swing flies back and hits him in the mouth but instead of running to someone in tears he hides behind the slide and cries silently to himself. (I wasn't there for that episode but I've seen it before and we often "walk it off" together...away from everyone so if he needs to cry he can without the onlookers. Afterall, he's only 3!). HERO--when Ryan's baby cousin cries he tries endlessly to "fix" it by bringing one toy after another (amazingly they are often age-appropriate). PROTECTOR--he's beginning to show signs of wanting to protect me. And finally...

...The importance of BEAUTY (and the whole story behind all this and what prompted all the *thinking*)...
The other day Ryan was visiting me at the hospital and he *checked* the common areas that need shaving...underarms, legs. How did he know? I don't know. I've been out of the house for nearly 9 weeks now and haven't been in the "normal" role of a woman/mom since January, but somehow he just knew. He keeps check of these things almost every time he comes, and he's more than blunt when telling me it's time to shave. Bless his little heart. (Shaving has been on the very low priority list for me since it requires standing for much longer in the shower here at the hospital.) So the other day the conversation went like this, "Momma need to shave 2 arms". Wanting to fix the problem he grabbed a plastic cup lid and pretended to shave me, "Shave Momma's 2 arms. Now Momma PRETTY."

Like I said before, bless his sweet little heart.

Thankfully I have many more years with my little boys being just that...my little boys, but I know that someday they will be grown men. In the meantime...I want to help them grow into the men God has created them to be... complete... whole... sensitive... respectful... considerate... wild... with hearts on fire for the things of God...including that God-given, innate dream to be strong heroes on this adventure called life.

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Not that I'm feeling all that beautiful right now, I do find pregnancy to be a thing of beauty. A beautiful picture of new life.

I am looking forward to a day or even an hour of pampering so I can feel beautiful.

I love bags. My husband probably thinks I'm crazy. I recently purchased this diaper bag online. I think it's beautiful and I hope it lasts for many years to come...

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Baby Update
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Evan is getting bigger and stronger every day. Every day I stay pregnant is just one more day for him to get stronger and healthier. I'm 33 weeks pregnant! Whoa...that's amazing! Evan is probably weighing a little over 4 pounds now and will continue to grow at a rate of approximately 1/2 pound a week. He is probably somewhere around 17+ inches long. However long he is my ribs can testify to a tiny hiney and my bladder can still testify to the presence of a hairy little head. Well really my bladder can't tell if he has hair, but the ultrasound showed an abundance.

I won't lie and say that I don't have rough days. Some days I just want be "done with all of this". Those are usually the days I'm feeling the loneliest, most comfortable, crampy, etc. Some days I just hurt all over and I wander if my body can handle much more. Thankfully I only have a couple days each week like that. I feel so guilty when things turn back around and I once again hope and pray we "make it".

Now think about this...if I can just make it 3 more weeks (36 weeks) we are pretty much in the clear. Each week between now and 37 weeks drastically reduces the likelihood of a NICU stay. Barring any unforeseen complications most 36-weekers don't have to make that infamous trek to the NICU. If I make it to 37 weeks I will be considered full-term and the NICU team won't even need to be present during delivery. I'll also have broken all previous records...for me that is.

And just for the sake of scheduling...if by some chance I'm able to go home and my body mysteriously decides that pregnancy isn't in fact something terrible, we have a c-section date:

July 2nd

Evan's blankie...it's finished.

Final Ultrasound

I had an ultrasound this morning. The last one with the Perinatologist.

Baby looks great! 3.5 pounds (smaller than I was hoping). Head very low (my bladder testifies to that). Lots of hair. Face up. Chubby cheeks. Plenty of fluid. Good heart rate and blood flow through the cord. I don't know what I'll do if I actually have a chubby baby with hair. I told my OB I was trying to break all records...more than 36 weeks and over 6 pounds! He laughed. :)

Cervix is shorter. 0.6. Not that much shorter and at least everything is on the correct side of the stitch. Dr. did an exam (oh my...it's been awhile since I've had one of those). Stitch is in place and holding well. I'm not dilating.

Overall it was a good visit and a great way to start my day and start bringing an end to hospital bedrest. Not that I'm counting but...10 days 13+ hours until I'm out of here!

Now about the picture...
He's very, very low and without much room so his face is smashed up against my uterus. That being said we were only able to get a good 1/2-shot of his little face. I think his mouth is partly open. His arm is tucked up against his cheek with his fingers pointing down as if posing for an "aren't I cute?!" moment.

Oh...and one more thing...

Dear Madison,
I promise he'll be cuter in real life!
Love, Aunt Julie

32 Weeks!

32 weeks today. Hooray!

77 days on bedrest at home

53 days so far on hospital bedrest

130 days total bedrest

14 days until I can go home

28 days total until I'm finally off bedrest

35 days to go until our little boy is considered full term

56 days until my original due date

All is well. I'm still pregnant! I almost can't believe we've made it this far. 32 weeks is HUGE! I had a rough go of things a couple of nights ago. More contractions. More irritability. More movement and pressure "down low". It's the first time in several weeks that I've had the "I don't know if we're going to make it" feelings. The reality is...I may...I may not. I want so badly to make it to at least 36 weeks and I know myself well enough to know that I'll be a bit disappointed if we don't. It's just that we're so very close.

Evan is getting bigger and putting more pressure on my cervix and the stitch is pretty much the only thing keeping him from making his escape. Right now it's baby's head, stitch, and 0.8cm cervix. I have another/final ultrasound on Tuesday to see how things are going. I'm anxious about the cervix measurement. I'd love it if we saw some lengthening before going home, but I'll be happy if we at least see no shortening.

I thought I'd have more to say, but I'm very tired today. So I guess if I get a burst of energy I'll write again later. Otherwise you can expect an update after Tuesday's ultrasound.

Time

Now that we're getting so close to not only reaching a major goal (32 weeks) but also receiving the ticket home, time has slowed. It's crawling.

We can make it! We can make it! We can make it!

Happy Mother's Day!

So these...
came from one of my favorite little boys. Therefore, they are some of my favorite things. This was Ryan's Mother's Day present to me. He was so excited to give them to me. Friday morning he came bouncing into my room exclaiming "Happy Mom's Day! Happy Mom's Day!" He handed me a pink sack containing a pink monster truck and a pink "candle" (air freshener--but he associates candles with smelling good and wanted Mom's room to smell good) that he picked out all by himself. It was the sweetest thing in the world. Also in the sack were shower gel and lotion from Bath and Body Works. Those came from my mom and they, too, were a very pleasant surprise. Something simple to bring the feeling of beauty to this hospital-bound Mommy.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers reading this. I hope everyone around you makes you feel like the most amazing person on earth today showering you hugs, kisses, gifts, and appreciation. May your heart swell today knowing that you've made such a huge difference in the lives of your husband, kids and everyone else around you.

Happy Mother's Day to my amazing Mom. I want to be just like you in so many ways. You've guided me, encouraged me and challenged me. You've always helped me to see life with a "silver lining". Thank you. And thank you so very much for stepping up and being a "mother" to my son while I'm gone. He sure does love his Nana. You're an amazing Mom and Nana. I love you.

Happy Mother's Day Diana. You, too, are an amazing Mom and Mimi. You're love touches so many...from your own kids (pets included) all the way through to the smallest of your grandkids.

Happy Mother's Day Sharon. You are a great Mom and Gigi. I hope your day is blessed as much as you've blessed others.

Happy Mother's Day Sue. Thank you for loving our family and being there for my dad.

Favorite Things?

Evan

Here's a peek at our sweet little miracle, Evan. He's now 30 weeks 4 days old and is weighing around 3 pounds 5 ounces. Isn't that awesome?!

My apologies for the whiny post yesterday.

Ultrasound today--

Evan is weighing approximately 3 pounds 5 ounces. He passed 8/8 on the biophysical profile. No change in the cervical measurement from 2 weeks ago. I'm grateful for no further shortening.

I'm very grateful for the good report. Unfortunately the experience itself was horrible. I sat in a wheelchair for over an hour in a little room waiting. Why don't they wait to come get me until they are actually ready?! I don't know if the tech had never done one before but she took some measurements, had to retake them at least twice and after finishing and leaving the room came back twice because she "forgot" to measure a few things (aminiotic fluid level, blood flow through the cord, etc.) When it came time for the trans-vag u/s for the cervix she looked at the wand and asked me, "do you stick this thing in or do I?" (Sorry for those that up until this point had no idea how the cervical u/s was done.) Are you serious?! Needless to say that ended up being the roughest (most violating) cervical u/s I've ever had. I'm hoping that horrible ultrasound doesn't start anything tonight. So far no extra contractions though. That's good.

3 hours after leaving for the u/s I was returned to my room feeling a little like Cinderella. Just another ugly stepchild. Anything but a beautiful pregnant mommy walking around with her ever-expanding belly showing off the miracle of new life growing within her. Anything but that lovely pregnant mom planning her nursery, shopping for cute baby things, attending showers. Anything but that special person strangers give up their place in line for, help in ways you never expected and showering her with oohs and aahs because the miracle of life growing within her is so noticeable and so aah inspiring.

We Made It! We Made It! We Made It!

We made it to 30 weeks! Hooray!

At 30 weeks...

He should weigh somewhere in the 3 pound range.
He should be approximately 14-17 inches tall.
His is experiencing major brain development.
His eyes are opening and closing. He can notice light vs. dark too.
His eyelashes and eyebrows are fully grown.
His "plumbing" should be fully functional with all the right parts in all the right places.
Lanugo is leaving.
Bone marrow is now responsible for RBC development.
Being out of the 20's is awesome!

Now onto a new goal...

32 weeks!