Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my sweet baby girl. Today you would be 5 years old. Wow!...5 years! For some reason that age has always been an important one in my mind. A year when you probably would have started school. A year that marks the graduation from toddlerhood to childhood. A year of new beginnings. A year of new excitement. A year I'll never see with you.

Five years ago at 2:30 in the morning marked our exciting new journey with Brandy....

At 26 weeks I found out I was in preterm labor. At that time we were only given about a 20% chance of her making it, but if I could stay pregnant for just 2 more weeks our chances jumped to 50%. 2 weeks was the magic number we were shooting for...the average time a woman manages to stay pregnant after starting preterm labor. I stayed pregnant for 10 more weeks.

...It was about 2:00 in the morning when my water broke. I was nervous, excited, scared, and not wanting to call the nurse. The plan was to induce labor at 8:00 a.m. Things just started, on there own, a little earlier. At 2:30 I called the nurse and the excitement began. After a few hours of labor, an epidural at 7:00, Brandy Danielle was born at 8:21 a.m. weighing 6 pounds 0 ounces. She was beautiful.

Later that afternoon Brandy was taken to the NICU for observation. We knew she was going to be born with a heart defect. What we didn't know was how it was going to manifest itself. Brandy spent 10 days in the NICU. 10 very long days. She went home on Sunday, September 14th.

Brandy passed away on February 14th at about 2:30 in the morning. She was 17 months old. I will forever miss her. The pain never goes away. It just gets more bearable everyday. My heart will always have a piece missing though.

I have been wondering how this birthday, her 5th, would affect me. I've had some "not so good" days recently. I expect they are related to missing her, even if only on a subconscious level. For those who have lost a child you know those days...the tears come at every little thing and you just can't figure out why.

The other day I was listening to George Strait. Brandy really liked his music. It was one of the only things that actually seemed to bring some peace and comfort in her otherwise uncomfortable life (after her brain injury). We could put that CD on and life was good for a while. She and I used to dance for hours, eyes closed, dreaming of better days. I was listening to the George Strait albums the other day and without thinking whisked Ryan up off the floor and started dancing, eyes closed. For just a second, a very minute moment I was taken back...holding my baby girl...her dark, silky curls...her soft skin.... The tears came, rolling down the sides of my face, missing my baby girl once again. I wanted to hold on to that moment for a while longer yet I wanted to dance, a new dance, with my son. So we danced...our own dance...sweet, beautiful, and full of life.

Brandy,
I wonder...if all things were perfect...
Would you still like George Strait?
Would you still like to dance?
Would your hair still be curly?
Would it be dark and silky?
Would you be starting public school?
Or would we have decided to home-school?
What would you look like riding a bike?
Would you be petite or tall or somewhere in between?
What would be your favorite cartoon?
What would be your favorite color?
Would you like to play outside?
Or would indoors be more your thing?
What would you beg Santa to bring you this Christmas?
Would you love looking at Christmas lights at night?
What would be your favorite food?
Would your eyes still be blue?
What would you think of your baby brother?
I bet you would be a great big sister.
Would you like to color pictures to put on the refrigerator?
Would you wear glasses?
Would you like dresses or pants?
Would you make snow angels in the snow this winter?
Would you make mud pies in the summer?
Would you dance in the rain in spring?
What would be your favorite bedtime story?
Would you like to play dress-up?
Would you pretend you are a princess?
I wonder...
I wonder...
I cry.

(To read more of Brandy's story and see pictures look for the link in the sidebar on this page)

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didnt ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

(Diamond Rio "One More Day")