Disappointment with...

Disappointment. I don't handle disappointment very well...at all! I guess I should considering that in this world of sin disappointment is an all to common reality. (I am hesitating...hesitating to write what is really on my mind.) This weekend has been full of disappointment for me, but I don't think it is just this weekend but this it has brought an end to a series of disappointments.

The big disappointment this weekend was that our March for Babies was canceled. Oklahoma weather...rain with lightning and the threat of flooding. I was almost to downtown OKC when I got a call from one of my team members saying the Local News had just broadcast a "breaking news" alert that the March for Babies was canceled. I called Courtney (with the March of Dimes) and she verified and said they would still be handing out awards and such. All I heard was CANCELED. I pulled into the nearest gas station and informed my caravan that the event was canceled. They left. I cried.

This was something I've been working for, planning for. This was something I had been fighting for, hoping for, excited about, anxious for the day to arrive. This was something I've been begging people to come and experience. This was something I've poured my heart and life into for the last 4 months. And...it was CANCELED.

Now I realize that all the money raised is still going to the March of Dimes. I'm grateful for that. The March for Babies, albeit very exciting and fun, is not crucial to the March of Dimes. It is more of a CELEBRATION honoring all of our preemies and a time to raise awareness. It is a time to gather with other families and share our stories and celebrate our victories as well as mourn our losses. It's a time to love and celebrate lives that could have been lost.

I'm disappointed for my team. We've worked so hard and I was looking forward to gathering together as one big "family" and celebrating together...in our fabulous red shirts. I'm disappointed for all the "first-timers" who have never been to the Walk before and were anxious to attend. I'm disappointed for all of the families of preemies because this is their day. I'm disappointed for Courtney and the rest of the March of Dimes staff who have literally worked day and night planning and preparing for this day. I'm disappointed for my family. They've been excited about this for weeks. I was especially excited to be given the honor to tell our story of God's love and the miracle of our son and the hope his story brings to the thousands who attend the walk. I'm disappointed.

With this *big* disappointment slapping me in the face this weekend it has made me step back and really do some thinking. This truly was a big disappointment, but why did it hit me so hard? I've cried...and cried. I've been on the verge of some major depression even, but one disappointment shouldn't be so difficult to shake. What's going on? After much thinking I've decided that it wasn't just this disappointment but this big one was a culmination of many small disappointments that have been tapping at my heart for some time.

Here is the list (in no particular order and probably not all inclusive, excludes those things that would harm any family members...yes family members disappoint.) You don't really need to read it, but I really need to write it:

I'm disappointed that our team t-shirts weren't exactly like I specified even though they do look fabulous. I just won't tell you what I know about their lack of perfection.
I'm disappointed that we worked so hard to get these t-shirts and now we probably won't get to wear them as a "team", together.
I'm disappointed that the person/friend who did the t-shirts isn't running the business like I expected. I was really hoping for more from this person.
I'm disappointed that I can't seem to get pregnant.
I'm disappointed that things just haven't been that wonderful at home lately.
I'm disappointed that I'm going to have to find a new pediatrician. I hate "shopping" for new doctors.
I'm disappointed that our current pediatrician has turned out to be so disappointing.
I'm disappointed that when I called our other doctor that the receptionist more or less treated me like crap.
I'm disappointed that it rained this Saturday.
I'm disappointed that God didn't bless us with a beautiful day for the Walk. Yes...I'm sure God will deal with me on this one, or at least I hope he does.
I'm disappointed that we have way too much stuff in this house and there is nothing I can do about it. (it's not mine to choose)
I'm disappointed in all of the things that need to be done/taken care of that I am completely dependent on someone else to do.
I'm disappointed that my in-laws couldn't make it up this weekend. (Yes...I love my in-laws. All of you!)
I'm disappointed in the church we've been attending. It feels so lifeless. That could just be me though.
I'm disappointed in the loss of dreams.
I'm disappointed in the loss of trust in others.
I'm disappointed in myself for allowing the things of this world to dictate my happiness.
I'm disappointed that I allow the negativity of others (especially those closest to me) to drain me of that positive, happy, joyful nature I've often been overflowing with.
I'm disappointed that I'm so disappointed. I'm so incredibly blessed. I shouldn't be disappointed with anything!

God help me! I feel so...so...

?



The one thing I am never, ever disappointed in:

I might sometimes be disappointed in the decisions he makes, but in him I will never be disappointed. I love this little boy more than words could ever describe. He is my miracle from the God who loves me more than words could ever describe.


Tomorrow: Part 2: The Silver Lining
(There's been a dark cloud hovering over me, but God's light shines through and a silver lining is present.)