Unfinished Business

(I promise I'll post a picture of the day and a Ryan update later today.)

I remember being told the day I went into labor early with Brandy that I would forver be categorized as “high risk”. I find that people are continually divided into categories, “clubs” if you will, in this life. There is the the “singles” club, the “newly married” club, the “new parents” club, the “parents of teenagers” club, the “empty nesters” club, the “grandparents” club. The list could go on forever, and these are only some broad categories. Then there are clubs within the clubs like “parents of kids with birth defects”, “parents of preemies”, “ grandparents raising grandkids”, etc. Of course this is just my observation and my opinion. There is no scientific basis on which I make my assumptions, but if you think about it, it does seem quite true.

I'd like to talk about a couple of the groups of which I'm a member. First is the “Preemie Parent” group. I just love the website http://www.shareyourstory.org/. It's a website designed for and by parents of preemies. Most of the members on the site have a preemie, or very nearly had a preemie, or have had some very close encounters with prematurity, or have had a child with a birth defect. The site is part of the March of Dimes. I love going to this site and reading and gleaning information from other mothers with preemies. Unless you have had a preemie there are so many things that “normal” people just don't understand. I didn't realize a lot of the issues with prematurity, and I still don't relate in some ways because my preemie doesn't have some of the issues many preemies have like feeding tubes, reflux, growth problems, learning problems, CP, etc. I can't tell you how many times I've asked for advice from my online friends, and I've received trusted advice and much needed encouragement from these families who are also in this “Preemie Parent” group.

I'd like to talk also about a group I'll call “Parents Who Have Said That Final Farewell to Their Child”. It's not a group I would have chosen to join, and it's definitely a group I pray no parent has to enter. When you enter this group it sets you apart from other parents in very complicated ways. I've had some friends be frankly honest with me and explain that they struggle with getting too close to me for fear of not knowing how to deal with Brandy's death, for fear of being reminded that they, too, could possibly lose a child. I've had some people, who I once considered close friends, act like I no longer exist. I've had some friends accept Brandy's death, accept me, allow me to talk about Brandy when I need, rejoice with me now, and love me through it all.

So you may be wondering what started this rant today. When Brandy was born I became close friends with someone. We talked daily. She offered encouragement through scriptures and prayer and by just being there. I love this sweet, sweet woman. I called her the day that Brandy coded in the hospital. From that day forward she never spoke to me again. She stopped answering my phone calls. She stopped responding to my e-mails. It was really sad, but I didn't harbor any ill feelings toward her. Yes, I was confused, but I wasn't mad. I prayed for her.

Fortunately I don't have the experience of being on the other end of a situation like this. I've never been close friends with someone who has lost a child. I've learned from my close friends what a difficult situation it is being the friend of someone who has lost a child. What do you say? How can you comfort? How do you go on with all of this together, as friends? I don't completely understand that position because I've never been there, but I understand it to be a difficult one which is why I won't judge anyone for struggling with it.

Just yesterday I happened to run across this woman in an elevator. Of all people to be trapped in an elevator with, I was excited. I have longed for seeing her again and talking with her. I was hoping for either a great “reunion” of friends, but I was willing to accept a “termination” of friendship if that is what happened. I wanted to sit and reminisce, but I mostly wanted to know, “did I do something wrong? “Could we be friends again?” I got neither. The conversation was cordial, but it was very empty. I left the elevator wishing for more. I was hoping for some closure instead I left with that feeling of “there's still some unfinished business”. Perhaps dealing with Brandy's death was just too much for her, but I still don't understand why I must, in a sense, die too.

Here is a list of things I wish people understood now that I have lost a child:

• I lost a child
  
• Saying that final farewell is excruciatingly painful
  
• I know Brandy is in a better place now, and desiring/asking her to stay on this earth would have been extremely selfish of me
  
• I miss her dearly
  
• I don't dwell on her everyday, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her
  
• I love talking about her, but I promise I won't trouble you with long conversations about her unless you ask
  
• When I start to feel sad I often imagine her dancing and laughing and playing on Streets of Gold. It makes me feel better especially since she would have never done those things here on earth
  
• I still cry from time to time
  
• I sometimes look at other little girls who would be about her age and imagine what it would be like if she were still here
  
• Just because Brandy died doesn't mean I did too
  
• I'm still here. I still exist.
  
• I still love to talk about the future and having more children and loving the child I now have
  
• I still love to have fun
  
• I still love to laugh and play
  
• I love to get together with friends and just talk about life...not the past, but the excitement of the present and the anticipation of the future.
  
• I love my life, and I'm excited about what God has in store for me.
  
• I eagerly look forward to Jesus' return.
  
• I am more excited about the day I go to Heaven than I have ever been. My little girl is there and I look forward to seeing my Jesus and my baby when God says its time for me to go.
  
• I hope God blesses me with a long life here on earth. I am such an unfinished work. I have so much to learn, so much growing to do.

If you've ever lost a child and want to contribute to the list please send me a note.