Another Road

I write this today somewhat reluctantly knowing full well that some will criticize me whether out loud I don’t know but perhaps in their heart or in their mind. Some might offer encouragement. Some might offer advice. Whatever the case may be I write it because I think I need to write it. What better way to get to know somebody more intimately and more personally than to truly know their heart, and this is what my heart is saying. I’m walking down uncharted territory for me…a road I never dreamed I would travel. I know I’m not alone on my travels. Many have walked it before. Many walk it today. Walking down the road called infertility. It’s a struggle. It’s heart wrenching. It’s confusing. It’s a mystery.

Some may say, “Well why aren’t you satisfied? You already have a child.” To that I say it’s true. I have been blessed beyond measure, blessed beyond what I deserve. I have a beautiful, healthy, happy little boy. I’m delighted that God has allowed me to be his mother. I’m excited about our future. I love him with a love I cannot even dream of expressing in words.

If God so chooses to call me to the ministry of being the parent of an only child then I will praise Him. I know He will equip me with everything I need to raise my son in a way that honors and pleases Him. I know He will equip me with everything I need, filling the gaps in every area I’m lacking, so that my son can grow to be a mighty man, strong in the Lord. Of course it isn’t my dream to only have one child (and by have I guess I should clarify. I mean raise. I will forever be the parent of at least 2 children.). God’s ways are more perfect than mine. I just hope he finds me worthy to raise at least one more. I am ready and willing…Lord, your will be done.

Some may remind me of all the struggles I’ve had with both my pregnancies. I agree that each pregnancy was difficult and emotionally exhausting. That still doesn’t take away the desire to be pregnant one more time and to have another child. Sometimes I wish it did.

As you can already see there are struggles with http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2001/marapr/10.66.html?start=1>secondary infertility. There’s guilt…I already have a child…some can’t even have one…etc. There’s confusion…if children are a blessing and “Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is FULL of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.” (Ps 127:3-5; emphasis mine) then is there something in my life getting in the way of God’s blessings. On the other hand I struggle then with the feeling of shame…does God now think I’m disappointed in the life He’s given me. Of course I would emphatically say no. I love my life. I’m sorry for wanting more…. (I have so much to learn, so much growing to do. My faith is so young.)

My husband and I have been hoping to find ourselves “with child” for a little over a year now. I’ve seen my OB recently. We have begun the first steps of dealing with infertility. It is a slow approach yet it is also detailed and intense. I will explain it all another time.

I have much, much more to say, yet my thoughts are cloudy and my eyes heavy. I’m tired. One last thought though…Do you think I should start an additional blog to discuss my travels on this road or would you like me to write about it here? Should this just be about Ryan or about our family? Let me know what you think please.